DEPRESSION, lol

lately it seems like a lot of people are feeling pretty depressed and desperate. it is definitely that time of year. it seems like, around february or march, the persistent lack of sunlight seems to stretch people to their limits. two good friends (both of whom share my both my diagnoses of ADD and depression) have approached me for advice or reassurance within the last week and a half. honestly both of them seemed to be breaking down, totally unsure of themselves, depressed, and at a loss as to what to do with themselves. and honestly, i'm not in a much better position myself.

the application process has proven to be a lot more stressful than i anticipated. i feel like a lot of that is due to factors beyond my control, but that whole mess has thrown me quite a lot. i'm very frustrated and my options are dwindling. i know in the end i'll be fine, even if i don't get in to a post bac program, i have several other things in mind to do until i can apply again next year. what is more problematic than not getting in is my response to the prospect of not getting in, and to the bumps i encountered along the way. i thought i was controlling my response reasonably well but right around (or, exactly on) my birthday, i realized i was horribly depressed beyond the point of being able to treat myself. so i made an appointment with a new psychiatrist and things have been getting steadily more unsteady. last night i full-on sobbed in front of both my parents, which was totally humiliating. but i think things are gonna get better.

the psychiatrist i'm seeing has undergone psychoanalysis, which is pretty rare and extremely cool. after several sessions spent getting a good grasp on my situation, we agreed that the best treatment option for now is intensive psychotherapy. intensive means more than twice a week, and ideally four to five times per week. it also means a ridiculous amount of money. money that i absolutely do not have. the idea of asking my parents to pay for it induces so much guilt and shame that my vision starts to blur. but i'm sure that this is what i want, and what will ultimately be best for me. i considered taking out a loan, but debt is not something i can take on with so much more school ahead of me. instead, i'll be paying for half and my parents agreed to pay for the other half. this means i more or less sign over my paychecks to the psychiatrist, and meet with her twice a week. to translate, i earn in a week what she earns in an hour.

ultimately i think it will be worth it though. there are so many things about who i am that i need to work on, and i've reached a point where i can't do the work on my own anymore. the help will be very, very welcome.