mission statement etc

i am on the toilet rn. but this is still serious business.

i have started and abandoned about half a dozen blogs, but i'm thinking this one might survive because i am creating it as a venue for my hardest-to-resist impulse -- expressing my HELLA FEELINGZ. see, i have a lot of feelings, especially between 8:00 PM and 1:00 AM, PST. i'm also a self-absorbed fucker and usually the strongest impulse i have while experiencing my HELLA FEELINGZ is to document said feelings so i can pretend other people might read them one day and say, damn this girl has some serious feelings and i bet she is hot too. so without further ado, here are some feelings:

at the fucking mall on friday, in the fucking juniors dpt of macy's, i heard "cath" by death cab for cutie. i don't really love death cab for cutie but this song grabbed me by the proverbial balls and slapped me on the proverbial tits and said, LISTEN BITCH YOU ARE GONNA EXPERIENCE SOME FEELINGS AND YOU ARE GONNA EXPERIENCE THEM HARD. the song ended and i immediately forgot it existed and i left. i didn't think of it again until i woke up this (monday) morning and it was playing on repeat in my stupid brain. it echoed around faintly all day until i logged into gmail sometime in the afternoon and nate had said: also, i been listening to this damn death cab song on repeat for like a day straight now

i don't normally even like death cab very much, but this song is rockin my world for some reason

i immediately knew it was the same song, and after that it was planted even more firmly in my head. now i've been watching the video for several hours, along with one or two other favorites, and trying hard not to start sobbing every time. its not that the video is all that amazing, or that the lyrics are particularly good, or that the situation is even all that touching. all of it is stuff that has been done to death and i'm pretty unimpressed, but the song and the images together evoke the most visceral response from me. but i donno, i start sobbing violently during ASPCA ads on a regular basis.

tonight i also started crying a little during a particularly wonderful music video by sia. i find it so startlingly sweet and delightful, but i don't entirely understand why it strikes me so hard it knocks me down. its a silly little video. i heard the song months before i saw the video and it inspired some wickedly strong obsession in me the very first time i heard it. when i finally saw the video it changed my interpretation of the song completely, but somehow i liked it even more. i forgot about it until today but something made me remember it, watch it multiple times, and choke back some major feelings. i don't understand why i am so goddamn sentimental.

anyway i donno. some part of me, and i suspect some part of the vast majority of humanity, has craved narrative from the start. which is where this blog comes in. i'm not going to go to the trouble of citing it, but in one of my upper level psych classes we discussed research on the role of narrative and mental health. one of the experiments involved asking people to write in a journal for a certain amount of time every day reflecting on their lives and their feelings and blah blah blah. apparently at the beginning it seemed to just make people brood, but after about two weeks people began to frame things into a narrative, and when interviewed they felt they had gained perspective and had significantly more positive outlooks, or something. i don't know if that is my goal in starting this blog. honestly i feel like i have an outstandingly positive outlook, and my mental health is like pretty good for the most part, minus some anxiety and those occasional brief moments of depression and panic. really though, i see myself as better off than a lot of people -- more grounded, with better perspective, greater understanding, and a wealth of resources. its just at night sometimes that i'm struck with stupid, terrible moodiness. not moodiness. melancholie. melancholie that wants to escape and infect the fucking internet with its idiocy. i've been doing a pretty good job of just shutting it up and watching tv or going to bed or otherwise preventing it from drawing the attention it craves, but the urge is strong lately and i see no harm in emptying this garbage into a blog. i donno, sometimes i let it get to me and then i call nate in a weird panic over ridiculous hypothetical situations and i hate making him have to deal with me, all hysterical over fucking nothing. i'm not ashamed to come to him all hysterical if it is about something that isn't garbage, but the nighttime panics are pretty much always pure garbage.

additionally, i like words and sentences. i might not be good at putting them together coherently, but i like them anyway. and sometimes dumb little sentences or phrases repeat and repeat in my head until i do something with them.

i guess one reason i'm hesitant to write down all my weird feelings and crap is that, while i'm the biggest proponent of people opening up and communicating, part of me grew up believing that people should be somewhat reserved. i think i'd like to be more opaque than this -- having a blog where all my lunacy is posted for the world to see (or to ignore). we'll see whether or not this devolves into a youtube video/lolcat depository.

anyway i'm getting sleepy and i gotta get up and do the whole "work" thing in the morning. i consider this a successful flagship entry -- incoherent sentimental garbage.