an ass pimple? seriously?

i joined a fucking gym. AND, i worked out in that gym. i feel excellent.

seriously i'm all full of ridiculous, happy, wonderful energy. i want to make new friends and yell lewd greetings at them. i really, REALLY want thomas to be here right now -- he is exactly who would perfectly let out my obnoxious fag hag self, screaming obscenities into the night, grinding up on whatever we wanted (mailboxes, etc).

countdown to NATE

WOO NATE IS VISITING FOR NEW YEARS!!!

here is a dumb clock counting down the days, hours, minutes, and seconds until his plane arrives.




in other news, chip peed in my parents' rug while they were in the room. before i thought he peed on my boots and my bed as a bid for dominance. now it looks more like he's just incontinent.

HELLA UPDATEZ

UPDATEZ:
parents are back from mexico! its so unbelievably nice that they're back. and they brought me jewelry! and they decided to pay for (most of) my laptop!!

chip peed IN MY BED yesterday, sometime before my parents got back. i am so unbelievably mad.

had a photoshoot in cupertino today. i think it went well. i hadn't worked with the model or the photographer before but both were sweet and (if i end up getting decent images out of today's shoot) i'd totally work with them again. i'll post pics when i get em.

perhaps the biggest news of the day: my sister and her boyfriend of 3 (?) years broke up yesterday. it was sort of mutual -- she'd been thinking about ending things for a few months now, but he initiated things, which is just as well. if it had been left up to her, she would have let things go on for months until she was miserable enough to end it. not that he's a bad guy -- he has done some things that i am not fond of, but overall he treated my sister pretty well. he's just directionless and miserable, and even more miserable because my sister is doing so well. that combined with the stress of a long distance relationship was too much and apparently they were both unhappy. he was a gentleman about it though, and she seems to be doing ok. she isn't happy, but she's ok.

i just watched the latest episode of true blood. its so trashy and predictable but i LOVE IT.

hella BODY IMAGE feelings

even though i've all but abandoned it, i spent some time tonight looking through pictures on facebook. its kind of striking just how much weight i've gained. i mean, i was maybe too thin at a couple of moments in college, but here are some shots just to compare the difference (both in animal costumes, of course)

almost exactly two years ago

two weeks ago

i don't think i look bad now, but i don't love being this heavy. clothes don't look as good (with the exception of tight, slutty dresses), i don't feel as good, things just don't seem right. still, i'm lazy as hell and can't seem to motivate myself to do much more than sprawl on my bed after i get home from work every day. i'm hoping seeing these two pictures together will get me motivated though. we'll see.

unless you come around

tonight i learned that, after years and years of considering myself an introvert, at the end of the day i need people about as much as i need food and water and air. i've been so lonely the past several nights that i actually feel like i'm choking. this is surprising because i've spent so, so much of life alone. as far back as i can remember, i've spent the vast majority of my free time intentionally isolated.

i stopped taking my depression meds a few months ago. of course, i should know better. i do know better, but i stopped anyway. i know that i lose the need for depression meds if i exercise enough and get a decent amount of sun, but i haven't been doing that either, so i spent some time tonight sobbing and yelling, listening to "come around" by rhett miller on repeat.

chip redeemed himself for pissing on my boots by sitting on my bed with me as i cried and screamed and hyperventilated, resting his head on my leg during the worst of it.

whats funny is, i know exactly what i'm doing wrong and exactly how to fix things. i've dealt with depression and anxiety so much, either with myself or with friends or with clients coming in to the peer counseling center. i've read study after study and experienced it myself and helped people through it, over and over and over. i know exactly what would make me feel better, but i'm just letting this shit run its course and i'm not sure why. maybe this is just what i'm used to.

hella ELECTION feelings!

YEAAAAH OBAMA WON!

ever notice how "election" is one letter away from "erection?" i did tonight, and so did smacko.

so i was talking to nate again (WHOA SHOCKING) tonight and he was a little buzzed from some small work outing, and he was listening to the walkmen, which i recommended to him a while ago. then he sent me a song from their new album, and even though i'd never heard the song before, just hearing their sound (which is pretty distinctive) brought me back fast and hard to some of my less stable days.

i used to listen to the walkmen a lot when i was about 16 or 17, right when i was starting to bury myself pretty deeply in anorexia, but also right when i was experimenting a lot with boundaries in general and feeling incredibly free in a lot of ways. a lot of the memories i have associated with the walkmen are pretty happy and sweet, like all the best parts of the first couple of summers after getting a drivers license, but a lot of the memories i have from that time are pretty dark too. i was so confused and alone, and angry too, but also so utterly unconcerned by life. it seems so far behind me now, but in a way i miss it. that was a much stranger time in my life.

speaking of anorexia, nate and i were talking about polaroids, and then eventually about this polaroid pin-up art he has been drooling over on etsy featuring strung out girls with spindly legs. a while ago we talked about making our own -- i'd pose and he'd shoot and through some emulsion transfer process, we'd end up with an eerily faded, dreamy print. i may have a killer rack at my current weight, but i definitely do not have killer legs, and looking at the prints he wants made me feel inadequate, so of course i had some HELLA FEELINGS and spent at least a half an hour bemoaning my appearance, which i am well aware is one of the most obnoxious things a girl can do. nate of course calmed me down once again. i swear i'm not like this when we're actually together. something about the distance makes me insecure and i feel like i'm constantly groping around for reassurance, which he readily and adeptly gives. somehow its never enough to last more than a few days, and pretty soon i'm overwhelmed again and the process begins again. the worst part is that, even though he's doing everything right, and doing it repeatedly, i still get sad and needy. hopefully i'll get better at managing it. at least this time it wasn't a major freak out, just some pouting and whining.

in other news, my parents are in cabo san lucas all week for their wedding anniversary. i'm home with the animals. chip, the dog, got lonely or anxious or something and dealt with it by peeing on my favorite boots, which happen to be suede. millie, the cat, has a ring of dreadlocked fur around her butt. every day there are more matts of dreadlocked fur which i'm supposed to cut loose. its pretty gross.

it's been pretty lonely here with just the little beasts to keep me company, so to sooth myself i've been looking at a lot of sapphire jewelry. this necklace blows my mind. its the from the same set as the bracelet my dad got for my mom for her anniversary (which she exchanged for a simpler and better-fitting diamond tennis bracelet). i don't really freak out over diamonds, or jewelry in general usually, but sapphires in white gold or platinum make me go nuts.