unless you come around

tonight i learned that, after years and years of considering myself an introvert, at the end of the day i need people about as much as i need food and water and air. i've been so lonely the past several nights that i actually feel like i'm choking. this is surprising because i've spent so, so much of life alone. as far back as i can remember, i've spent the vast majority of my free time intentionally isolated.

i stopped taking my depression meds a few months ago. of course, i should know better. i do know better, but i stopped anyway. i know that i lose the need for depression meds if i exercise enough and get a decent amount of sun, but i haven't been doing that either, so i spent some time tonight sobbing and yelling, listening to "come around" by rhett miller on repeat.

chip redeemed himself for pissing on my boots by sitting on my bed with me as i cried and screamed and hyperventilated, resting his head on my leg during the worst of it.

whats funny is, i know exactly what i'm doing wrong and exactly how to fix things. i've dealt with depression and anxiety so much, either with myself or with friends or with clients coming in to the peer counseling center. i've read study after study and experienced it myself and helped people through it, over and over and over. i know exactly what would make me feel better, but i'm just letting this shit run its course and i'm not sure why. maybe this is just what i'm used to.